On one side I enjoy solitude, walking alone, drawing, fishing and cooking. Most people bore me because I find them dull and superficial. I specially hate the talkative, needy ones who wont shut up and believe I care what they think. I dislike big groups of drunks or people that need to yell and listen to loud music to feel good.
On the other hand, I’ll die one day, possibly alone, because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for a girlfriend, marriage or raising children, nor to go to a club or a similar social occasion where people find other humans and maybe a partner.
Suddenly, dying alone with no children feels depressing: Everything I save and don’t spend will be appropriated or sold, everything I learn, a whole life of experiences, will simply be forgotten, I know I won’t feel anything when I die, or after, and I shouldn’t care about it, but I still feel sad I’m going to die without nobody but the debt collectors noticing my death. Suggesting I marry out of desperation so I don’t die alone would be a terrible idea. So don’t. I’m too set on my ways and wouldn’t be fair to any child.
I like some human contact but feel the world offers me either loud, drunk jerks, immature idiots or the complete solitude I have now, a solitude I mostly enjoy but sometimes makes me feel alone.
I can’t really say anything of what you’ve described sounds strange. What you’ve written seems to mostly suggest that maybe it needn’t concern you too much how strange, if at all, you actually are because your usual preference for solitude and pretty healthy enjoyment of your own company kinda speaks to you having everything you need for contentment and fulfilment entirely within your reach and means already. You could potentially be more insulated from the feelings of insecurity and doubt and anxiety that comes from a more outward facing and sociable set of needs and that doesn’t make you strange. Viewed that way, it seems like your problems are mostly coming from when you start comparing, which tends to be where most people’s lives start to feel worse. When there’s some sense that you’re supposed to leave a legacy, or you’re supposed to want a companion and when you start thinking that way it can get corrosive to take general well being even when you were pretty happy before.
That said, you have indicated some concern for how others perceive you, indicated some enjoyment from and importance paid to having and maintaining relationships with other people, so maybe that really is something you’re missing and it’s causing you a little bit of anguish. That’s a more complicated problem, but also a pretty common part of the human experience and can cause a lot problems for people. It doesn’t sound like you’re “too strange” for others to want you in their lives and to share connection with you in any way though. That sounds like a self imposed restriction that’s unlikely to be something anyone around you really picks up on or considers.
If you are feeling alienated and isolated, this could be for a number of reasons that would be hard to get to the bottom of from your lemmy post alone but I think it might help you to know that you are signalling a certain kind of contempt for people that could be a contributing factor. You don’t need to suddenly enjoy drinking or loud music if you don’t like either but you don’t and probably shouldn’t look down upon people who do or dismiss them all as idiots on that basis. If you really do want more human contact and feel like the lack of it is leaving you depressed it would help if you could be more embracing of human differences. This has an effect even when trying to form a connection with people who, like you, don’t necessarily want loud music or alcohol for a good time. People tend to pick up on negative attitudes towards others as a whole and for the most part it drives them away. I’m afraid I’ve come across as preachy here and you’ll have stopped reading by this point but honestly, I really am trying to help here. If you look back at some of the wording of your post, a couple of things stand out to me
And
If by making your post you really are interested in another’s perspective here, I can tell you that these two statements taken together are telling. The talkative people you have such a problem with probably really do think you care what they think and that’s not a sin on their part, it’s kind of a prerequisite for successful human connection which they are trying to make and thought they had, is that so wrong of them? They need to care what you think and you need to care what they think otherwise what are the two of you actually doing here? Granted there will be times when people misread signals and are mistaken in thinking they’ve made a successful connections with you but you needn’t judge them for that, they want and deserve human contact at least as much as you and they have done nothing wrong by trying to establish it, they’re putting in the work and you’re response to this is immature and ungrateful. You’re not obliged to accept their attempts to connect with you if you find you’re incompatible but this contempt that you allow to build is toxic and will get in the way of you ever managing to find someone you do care about and or convincing them to care about you. The second of those statements I’ve single out sums up where your thinking on this might have gone astray: the world isn’t offering you anything and doesn’t really have an obligation nor tendency to do so, it’s just us people here, on this rock together and in order to get along and live fulfilling lives it’s we, not the world, who must do the offering ourselves . If you’re unhappy with the quality of the people you perceive as being “offered” to you by the world you might want to reflect on what you’re offering them in return exactly. So far it sounds like if someone tries to talk to you or include you, you’ll be secretly or perhaps not so secretly, be resenting them for assuming you care what they think or talking too much, or you’ll consider them to be idiots because of their music tastes or enjoyment of drinking.
Again different strokes for different folks, you don’t have to suddenly pretend or force yourself to like doing things you don’t like, but at least don’t hold it against other people for not being the same as you and try to be generous with them and let them surprise you. Your self sufficiency and self reliance are great assets and maybe they could make such generosity for you, a less risky proposition, you might have less to lose since at least you don’t crave human contact in an unhealthy way like some, or suffer from the same anxiety about how you’re perceived as some, and so hopefully should not risk being hurt or suffering greater depression if your efforts don’t pan out.
Good luck any way. I hope things get better for you one way or another.