On one side I enjoy solitude, walking alone, drawing, fishing and cooking. Most people bore me because I find them dull and superficial. I specially hate the talkative, needy ones who wont shut up and believe I care what they think. I dislike big groups of drunks or people that need to yell and listen to loud music to feel good.
On the other hand, I’ll die one day, possibly alone, because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for a girlfriend, marriage or raising children, nor to go to a club or a similar social occasion where people find other humans and maybe a partner.
Suddenly, dying alone with no children feels depressing: Everything I save and don’t spend will be appropriated or sold, everything I learn, a whole life of experiences, will simply be forgotten, I know I won’t feel anything when I die, or after, and I shouldn’t care about it, but I still feel sad I’m going to die without nobody but the debt collectors noticing my death. Suggesting I marry out of desperation so I don’t die alone would be a terrible idea. So don’t. I’m too set on my ways and wouldn’t be fair to any child.
I like some human contact but feel the world offers me either loud, drunk jerks, immature idiots or the complete solitude I have now, a solitude I mostly enjoy but sometimes makes me feel alone.
You’ve identified the risk here: die forgotten and alone slumped over beside the toilet in a bus station bathroom stall. As you slowly slip the surly bonds of earth, you hear the bustle of people out in the station; children laughing, families chatting, lovers arm in arm. You think back over your own life and realize your sole purpose was to serve a warning to others. You stare down at your mismatched clown shoes, piss soaked pants, then wipe the tears from your grimy soot-caked face with a sore covered hand.
Want a different fate? Start by realizing there is more to it than your personality. Being an introvert is fine, but you have to not use that as an excuse to ignore the fear part of it; the fear of people, fear of relationships, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt. Nobody succeeds in life without stepping out of their comfort zone. You dont need to rage in a mosh pit with the juggalos to find a partner. Just be open and take small tangible steps. Join a dance class, start a book group. Write essays on Substack of the joys of quiet walks. There are billions of people on this planet and millions of them are perfectly compatible with you. Dont quit the game because you hate the rules. Master the play and win your due rewards.