my parents live alone 800 miles away from me and are capable of living independently.

There might be a day they’re not safe at home anymore and need to be taken care of.

I’m not a caregiver and while my father is flexible and can adapt, my mother is very strict with what she considers right and it’s usually her way or the highway, reason why I would never live with her, let her live with me or take care of her alone. It would never work. My parents have a decent pension, no debt, and mostly love each other.

If it ever comes to me taking care of the administrative side of things 800 miles away, what does it look like? If you are in a situation like I described, how often do you visit?

Do you take care of them physically as well? I mean giving them showers, cleaning them, cleaning the house, feeding them, organizing their medicines, dressing them, answering 30 times per day the same question or old story because they forgot, because realistically I can do this up to 2 weeks per year, never on a permanent basis. I’m not a patient man.

I also want to live my life but where I grew up, small town in GA, the expectation seems to be I move in with my parents to physically take care of them, otherwise I’m not a good son.

ETA: thank you all for contributing

  • vestmoria@linux.communityOPEnglish
    2·
    1 day ago

    thank you for your wall of text, I enjoyed reading it.

    His mother refused to visit. Old world “A mother shouldn’t visit her son, her son should respect her and come visit”. So he did. Then she guilted him into moving back home, giving up opportunities farther away. He is happy in the sense that he’s married and has kids and a fulfilling life, but he will always have the what if questions. What if his now wife and him had stayed, what if they had done this or that. I promise you, if you let them drive your life you will never be truly fulfilled.

    Don’t we all have those what if questions? Maybe I ask because I’m myself unfulfilled with some parts of my life.

    I’m not sure moving them or the surviving parent closer to me would benefit them: they’ve living in GA most of their lives, are used to the way people act and speak, climate is warm, and I live in NY, where people move faster, speak differently and it’s going to be cold… It would be easier for me but I don’t think they would enjoy upstate NY much.

    The sooner you accept that their expectations of a “good son” will never be met, the sooner you can think more practically about how you want to proceed with life.

    This is very good advice.

    I’ve just also done the “Mom I’m not doing the guilt trip today. Your feelings are your own, I’m happy where I live and if you have a problem with it that’s your problem to work on, not mine”.

    Stealing this.

    Thank you for your post.

    • Scrubbles@poptalk.scrubbles.techEnglish
      1·
      9 hours ago

      Of course, as someone who grew up in a family of strong guilt trippers, I empathize and know the path you’re probably on. It will take a fair amount of personal growth, but you’ll get there. That’s why I know there is no end state for who a good son is, because I tried for 25 years to be a “good son”, and surprise no matter what I did it always seemed like there was something more. To give an idea, I paid off my mother’s debts, I paid off her car, I took her on trips, I set up her retirement, and she still guilts me on that I should be doing more. It was only a couple years ago that I finally realized that the dreamed “You are a good son, I love you, thank you for everything you do for me” is never going to come. That hit very hard, and it makes me sad typing it now even, but it’s never coming.

      Don’t we all have those what if questions? Maybe I ask because I’m myself unfulfilled with some parts of my life.

      Absolutely, and that’s why I so strongly call it out. That the reasons why you chose one path over another should be your decision. No one else is going to choose the path that’s best for you, only you can do that. If you let others dictate what you should do then you’ll never truly be on your own true path, and you will regret it later.

      I wish you all the luck. I’m always available to vent to, been through this myself.