My Christian, old republican southerner father wants me to attend his Christian funeral with all of his surviving relatives present. I don’t believe in any god, he knows that. He needs a religion to give a meaning to his life? Knock yourself out.
Religion is not the main problem here. The main problem is how close minded and fake people are in a southern small town in GA and above all, relatives. 2 aunts love to pretend everything is fine, they excel doing that on funerals and weddings, then stab you in the back as soon as you’re not within ear distance, either need drama to feel important or have way too much free time.
I wouldn’t mind a small Christian ritual with my mother, my brother, a priest and nobody else, but these women and their husbands? They drag everyone down with their stupid grudges about yard sales and business deals made in the early 2020s and seem to be envious of those who left that place and found something better. Last time I saw them, 7 years ago, they complained I don’t call them. What for?
I’m better off without them and don’t have the bandwidth to deal with them.
Family seems to be an identity issue for my father, the idea that his whole family won’t bury him together scares him. I told them I will honor him my way, with luck on the hospital bed where he dies or at home, that mother and brother are welcome to honor him with me, that I won’t attend a funeral with people I don’t like but he is not listening: he is now retorting to manipulate me (it would be so good, wouldn’t it be nice…?)
My father is not cognitively impaired. The easy way out would be to tell him ‘sure, I’ll come to your funeral with all those assholes you care so much about’ and after he dies, ignore it. I suspect my mother would agree, because she wasn’t born in GA and these aunts always felt superior to her, something my father always downplays because ‘we’re family’.
I like treating my father like an adult and want genuine conversations with him. To me, placating him on a thing like this means accepting my father has become a 5 year old who needs to be lied to so he doesn’t start feeling sad or feels I’m attacking him. It doesn’t feel right.
But it feels worse to pretend I respect those lying assholes or to listen to their boring life I don’t care about.
So what do I do?
It’s also an opportunity to reconcile. Not that OP seems to want that, nor would the aunts most likely want that, but sometimes such events just make things… Click.
Having okay relations with relatives is important, and afuneral is an opportunity for things to improve. That’s just pure sociology. You aunts will spin it into “God works in mysterious ways”, but it’s the same core thing with a culty religious spin.
So my take is: bite your teeth and attend the funeral. It’s a one-time investment of a few hours. Odds are the aunts won’t want to make issues. Maybe it fixes things. Your fathed did ask nicely, after all. And it’d be nice to honour his request. Any semi-okay relatives would respect that, religious or otherwise.
YMMW if they’re as fake as you say they are (religion is a hell of a drug), but if it doesn’t go the ideal way, you did your part and they failed theirs. If you don’t go, it’ll be the other way around because Christians unfortunately eork like that. And they like holding grudges. A funeral is (unfortunately) one of the few “chances” to reconcile. Shame someone needs to quite literally die for them to be this open to reconcoliation.
Speaking like an ex-christian raised in the tradition: this could be your opportunity to get things to smooth over. They’re bound be as open to reconciliation as possible. Just don’t force it. Keep your distance and honour your dad’s wishes. Forcing things will have the opposite effect of seeming disingenuous. No action other than showing up necessary.
The amount of families reconciled at christian funerals I’ve witnessed is in the low 20’s.