I’ve realized I’m a very atypical person: talking to coworkers in my age range today I realized they have a better financial situation than mine: they are married, some with children, own their own condos, houses, or are paying a mortgage, but can still live a normal life, own a car, some even have the luxury of not having to work 40 hours a week, but 32 because they don’t need to work more, house already paid, family and life objectives achieved.
Me: I’m 43, I don’t own but rent, meaning I pay for something I’m never going to own. The last 2 years I’ve been saving like crazy because I’m afraid of not having enough money for retirement, and because in my past I did so much stupid shit, meaning I wasted so many years not doing anything of use.
I have around 100K in the bank, I know I should invest but I’m also scared of losing that money and I don’t know if I should use that money as a down payment for a house.
My father owns 3 houses and I envy him. I’ve been thinking about asking him to sell one of the houses and give me the proceeds so I can buy my own place because some of my coworkers did that and could finance their own home. When my father went to study to another state my grandfather bought him a house there so he wouldn’t have to rent. When he moved back to home state he sold and invested the money to buy a new house there. He had way easier than me. It’s not fair. I feel… unloved?
I guess this makes me an entitled ass but I feel so… lost?
To summarize, I feel like a loser because I’m old, I’m behind most of my coworkers my age, I’m a very individualistic person but this means I’m going to die alone, but sometimes I feel alone and scared of being old and alone. I don’t own anything of value to my name, it’s like I’m an old teenager.
A lot of people spend a lot of time on an extrinsic search for intrinsic meaning. There isn’t one. The value and meaning of your life can only be self-determined. That feels impossibly heavy at first, but as you come to embrace it, there is an incredible freedom in it. If there is any determinant of adulthood, that’s it - to be self-defined. To that end, there are no “rules” about what your life must look like - marriage, kids, home ownership, whatever else are all options, but not compulsory. It’s up to you to determine what it is that you actually want.
The other marker of adulthood, I think, is to have come to terms with your childhood. It sounds like you think your father was given advantages that he hasn’t seen fit to pass on to you, and you understandably have some feelings about it. Family of origin issues can really cloud your mind until you sort through and come to terms with them. Talking to a therapist about it (or bar that, reading some books on the subject) could be of some value. A lot of people go through their lives reenacting patterns they observed in their parents or projecting their unmet needs from childhood onto others, to their own detriment. This is work that you have to do yourself; no one can “fix” you.
Comparison will not get you anywhere. Consider who you want to be, and then start taking steps in that direction. Once you have set out on that journey, you may encounter others on their own journeys or you may not, but you won’t have your self-worth riding on the outcome.