my father was a university professor and an expert in his field, writing and publishing.
I’m not happy with my job and I’m deciding if I should keep it or study a bachelor, meaning less money for at least 3 years, working part time, relocating… for an uncertain future.
I explained my fears and the situation to my father thoroughly. This once brilliant person capable of giving me several points of view about several topics pasted my questions to an AI engine and sent me its answers, it’s like he didn’t even try to answer the questions himself. wtf?
It’s sad and scary: a person I once could confide in, ask for guidance is now… disappearing? It’s like he disregarded the emotional component completely.
He is now 78 years old. Am I being unrealistic?
And the AI answer? gets several things wrong and doesn’t tell me anything new but holy shit, the way the answer is phrased (my personal opinion, what I think is…), no wonder so many seniors believe they’re talking to an actual human, which is scary on so many levels, because the engine hallucinated several false facts and presented them so neatly packaged, seniors take them as correct fact.
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First thing is to realise that accepting it isn’t:
- Giving up
- Being happy about the situation
- Being cold or heartless
- …or anything else that others might imply it is.
It’s just accepting it as reality so your rational brain can work without your emotional side always getting in the way.
It’s also not necessarily a “one and done” thing. Some days you’ll be better than others, especially initially. Some days you’ll be a mess.
/If/ he’s declining (I like spankinspinach’s answer) through dementia, then as someone who’s watched their very intelligent mother, their step-father and their uncle all decline with it - my answer to “how do you accept this?” is - you can’t.
Oh, you can be rational, and sympathetic, and take steps to protect them and get them the care they need - but emotionally? Dude, it’s fucking hard. Seeing someone go through their own denial in the early stages, how they try to trick you into thinking they’re okay. As it progresses and they have to surrender, then the oblivion that inevitably follows. Watching my own mother forget every single fact about our shared memories to the point she didn’t even know who I was, then worse, when she thought I was my father. Then her regression to a little girl. (That sounds linear but it isn’t)
If he is going down that route, then the only thing to do is try to prepare yourself for a whole world of hurt and anger. Be strong, be the parent for them, but die yourself inside.
He may not have disregarded anything. He is aware of your perception of his advice. If he feels like he is declining, but still wants to be there for you, this could very well be desperation to stay involved and still try and help. Unfortunately we all decline as we age, some worse than others. Make him feel appreciated even if you don’t get a tangible benefit from his advice any longer. Stay engaged with him, let him feel valuable. Older generations tend to decline even quicker if they no longer feel valuable and instead feel like a burden.