So I started talking to this guy in November. I really like him and he says the same. We are long distance of 7 hours so it’s not so so bad and we see each other here and there when he’s down here for work. Anyways… lately I’ve been feeling self - conscious and scared of him being bored / abandoning me. I had a bad past with my ex (he would compare me to other girls towards the end of our relationship and tell me he’s watching twerking lives to my face). And I’ve had anxious detachment relationships with my dad as we used to fight and not talk a lot so these feelings stem from trauma.
Anyways long story short. I obviously looked through his following. Nothing bad. He was following this one Instagram famous girl who post like thirst pics and whatever (boobs popping out, tongue out, etc) super gorgeous but the photos know what they r doing lol. Anyways, she was live and I joined and I said haha my man follows you. Take in, he liked her picture 2 days ago and it upset me because I don’t look anything like her and he wasn’t even liking my own stories. How do I have other men liking my stories but not him?! Lol. Anyways, I told her that she’s like oh eww girl lemme block him for you. I was surprised and I’m like sure lol. I told her if she can just remove him from her followers list and she did. She and her other viewers were telling me to see if he follows her back because then he’s noticing it. I feel so toxic that I’ve done this and so grossed out from myself. Oh btw, she said he would always text her and send her memes and say she looks good. But she said the last time he did that was November which is when we started talking so it’s fine I guess. But I don’t follow any men who post stuff like that so I found it so annoying that he liked the picture when it should’ve reminded him to unfollow her lol. Maybe I’m just mentally ill.
We also haven’t been talking as much the last couple days because when I found out I felt so gross and then I broke down to him (I didn’t tell him) about how I’m scared of the future and what will happen (I’m seeing him in two days and he said we will talk about it in person) but not texting all day until night (work stuff for him lol) is taking a toll of me . But it’s only temporarily as he’s down here for work but whatever. I get people have lives.
I just feel like I give so much of myself and my happiness, even faking it all the time, to not feel it in return. It feels like men r so interested at first but then they think ur so wrapped around their finger that they can start showing u less attention.
But he is a great guy and he hasn’t done anything wrong except that unless im just crazy. But he does treat me good. I might’ve got too vulnerable with him, he got me flowers and I cried like…. And when he told me to my eyes how much he loves spending time with me and it makes him happy i cried too because im not used to those things and hearing those words. Maybe that was a mistake
Can I even be in a relationship if I’m like this? I feel sick thinking about how I can be fucked over and the thought of being heartbroken again. It’s so bad. Do I tell him the thing I did? How I went out my way and got her to remove him as a follower? He will see me as a jealous and insecure girl who’s stalking him. He even said he is also a jealous type so then why would he follow and like her stuff u know? I removed a lot of my followers out of respect. I mean, she was the only thing that had me on edge so i know he hasn’t done anything bad. Idk what to do. I see him tomorrow and we were going to talk about things but I feel so scared.
Girl you’re 21. You are so, so, so young. You’ll have plenty of time to fall in love for the rest of your life, get your heart broken beyond repair, rally to find your true soul mate again and so on. I get that it’s basically impossible for you to really see it that way even if you probably get it intellectually. My 21 year old self would tell this current 41 year old me to go fuck myself for not understanding anything.
Take the hit here, see what happens. Maybe he will think you’re a bit crazy or maybe he’ll be understanding. If your relationship ends, cry your eyes out, scream and wail and temporarily believe everything is lost. Whatever you’re feeling, express it with your whole body, dare to be dramatic, just don’t take it out on others. Dance like nobody is looking and cry. Then you’ll go on with your life, you’ll have learned that well actually, everything isn’t lost and you can live with this. Then you’ll find someone new and you’ll A: be a bit more confident because you’ll know you can survive a break up and B: you know more about your needs and values, and you’ll know to communicate them early on so there’s mutual clarity. But maybe he’ll think that your insecurity is cute or so. Maybe he is willing to work with it. Then I HIGHLY recommend that you both look into Non-Violent Communication. Take a course together and you’ll form a very strong bond, and you’re both better equipped to communicate with each other skillfully. This will help with your insecurity too.
Again, you’ll find out eventually which it is anyway. I get that you’re scared and no amount of “you’re so young” isn’t going to make you feel better about it. But you’re scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. Right this moment, is something so terrible that you can’t handle it? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have people you can talk to? Do you have access to basic necessities? Right at the moment you’re reading this, are things bad? If the fear about future starts asserting itself, always ask yourself if you’re okay right this moment, or are you just getting anxious over something that hasn’t happened.
Also think of it this way: how wonderful would it be if you could just fully be as you are with someone without the need to hide anything? With dishonesty, you definitely rob yourself that possibility.